chestnut

Bookend

I am in the  
morning &  
i want to   
tell you  
i lately  
have only  
apologies,  
i wish to  
see you  
but i also  
wish to  
get  
better &  
be whole  
again. I  
hope you  
understand.  
I wanted  
to fly  
with you  
& we  
might, but  
first the  
wholeness,  
us both,  
let’s not  
neglect it.

joe coffee

i don’t have it in me right now  
i write every day  
waking up is still hard  
the bed sticks to my body  
my body is lost  
the hole hasn’t been filled yet  
还没有  
can you help me?  
it’s easier to write

11/21

feels bad feels acid, acid again, fear again feels fear feels bad, shaking again, shaking good feels bad, control system control body, doesn’t work again, never worked again, expand expand expand expand expand out out out out out wait wait wait wait

layover

flight fighting sleep  
bitter to battle you  
fighting to stay afloat  
flying  
washed away a will to live  
ashore arrives attempts of salve

Elephant through a doorway

You were always there / I mean  
I was always here / I mean  
I hurt you I hurt me / I mean  
I’m not loved I’m not love / I mean  
I left you alone there,  
I begged you not to leave then,  
I wanted you to step back inside me,  
I wanted you ill-fitted and cloudy and controlling,  
it’s all the same to me.  
I mean /    
I made the wrong choice,
I chose life.

big empty vacuum of a head  
container with no captain  
container with no company  

long endless reverberations inside  
travelers with no map  
travelers with no target  

single figure in the darkness  
pain with no respite  
pain with no purpose

33-3

Regular sized you,
regular sized space.
How about we turn off the part that spits out these words, yeah?
Okay?

The hard part is over but I still can’t sit still.
Even still the windowsill shouts at me to sit still.
I can’t even hear myself talking to myself in the mirror I can’t even hear you except in here,
okay?
Yeah?

If I spill all over you just know that this morning I woke up and wanted to die, okay?
If I wake up next to you and want to die just know that you weren’t in my dream, okay?

In this endless stream I want to stay here for maybe five seconds longer, maybe thirty, did you hear me?
I keep getting hit, the hits never stop, what is it about me? Just know that I didn’t know what I was asking for, okay?

cerulean

my body involuntarily so  
moved around  
shake my head until my mind has no more attachments  

see how slowly the clouds are moving?  
i can move that slowly too

33-2

i only exist through / you   
who the fuck   
im just a ghost to you / there  
i don’t exist to you / there  
i hurt you by not seeing you / there

i could talk to anyone  
sleep down then up  
then you then me  
slow it down stretch it out  
i'm too tired to talk

33-1

oh, your voice is in my head  
oh, my voice is in my head  
oh  
heads my head explodes   
tails it implodes

i mean, how much milk did i drink today  
i mean, i leave the house to buy more milk  
i mean, friendship shouldn’t be transactional   
i mean, if you asked at this point i would probably say yes

33-0

today in  
today out  

i read an old, faraway friend    
i’m sorry about 2017  
two thousand and seventeen syllables sorry

← i want to go home