twice

i took a detour,
found the absolute worst case,
convinced myself that in it,
i survive,
then returned.

a different pain everyday, or is it the same pain everyday?
it’s still pain, it’s still everyday.

nothing to see here and
nothing good comes from
me forcing
anything
at all to happen or to
fix itself inside of
me and
it wont last forever this
wont be true forever not
even next week but for now
nothing to see
here

i saw them pretend to
jump and i
took the bus instead

this time i could be
a toolbox instead of a
puddle of water

with my last few
drops
of strength
i have enough to
dig myself out of
this

what are you digging for?
more like
what am i
digging towards?
to which i reply
the sweet
full
air
above ground

and on the bus i’m guaranteed to
stay above ground

morning here
morning here here
morning here there
morning there there
morning there here
morning hello
morning arrived
morning hello hello
morning caffeine
morning here is what i’ve been up to
morning caffeine decaffeine
morning anx

trouble sleeping – nothing new –

but here
but new
but sleeping
but trouble

in between bliss is
darkness

old/new friend, not my friend,
to the end to the end to the end
i can’t move forward
anymore
you’re forcing me to ask myself the worst question in the world,
right on top of

i'm paralyzed, i'm swimming in circles
i'm drowning i'm drowning i'm drowning
i exist i exist i exist

your hard edges
every day now, my eyes
unfocused
without the same liberties, and running around 
in circles, no,
walking, crawling,
(sixty percent of last night on the floor),
resorting to rituals, to irene, to fall asleep,
stress awake, asleep,
allow me a single moment to be selfish, i'm taking a pause to take a
peek into what's living here,
in my cold skin,
and softer edges.

let me next find
music i like.
we all agree,
"i like to talk about it, it's fun, that came out weird."
"i saw you everyday last week, i need to masturbate, first thing."
you live with me, you live
in your room,
you live in my hand,
how much less anxiety will i
have when we all find our 
partners, and none 
of us live here 
anymore?
two or three out of four
or i can close my eyes for six months
and wait for it to happen,
close my mouth for two months
and find the peace that I had
with you.
i mean you taught me how,
it's like taking off my glasses,
it's like giving you a chocolate,
i mean you can't hold me accountable
for a hint,
can you?

love,
suzanne.

spring & summer, 2017